Renovate Your Inner Home for Lasting Change

As much as I love talking about houses and design, I’m equally in love with curating all the things in my “inner” home, meaning my mental and emotional life. It’s why I became a certified Christian coach in addition to being a designer. Mainly because I knew I had some inner “homework” to do for myself first and foremost. I have always been a tender soul easily taken down by a wayward look or tone of voice. I’ve given away control of my emotions to other people and circumstances. I’ve lived largely by my default programming-sometimes falling into yelling, complaining or harsh criticisms of myself – you know, the ways of dealing with life that were modeled to us as a kid by our parents or care-givers…bless them for they knew not what they were doing!

I’ve started and stopped working on this creative outlet so many times because I’d get waylaid by doubt or an emotional response that I wasn’t proud of and then sink into the pit of self sabotage thinking who am I to try and help others in any way when I can’t manage my own home. So, yeah, all that. I’ve looked to everyone and everything outside of me for answers.

But it’s time to take back the home inside of me. 

“There is a home inside of you.” ~ Meera Lee Patel

This Old House remains a favorite tv show from my teen years along with every renovation and design show on HGTV. And because I love a good home analogy I started to realize how this can apply to our “inner” home as well.

Our physical home starts with the foundation equating to the beliefs and emotions that undergird us – those inner parts of ourselves largely unseen just as the block and concrete that hold a house up is laid on the bedrock below the surface and then covered up by dirt and grass. Above the ground, stand all the visible things – walls, siding, windows, doors and roof- the parts you can see which would be our actions, behaviors and words.

Everything we do, every habit, every reaction (good or not so great) is supported or driven by a belief and emotion within us. It’s in our subconscious, hidden like a physical foundation under a house until we do a little excavation. Just like in construction, if there are visible cracks in your drywall or brick wall, chances are it’s because something’s awry with your foundation or any supporting members below the surface. Those things we do that we don’t love, yeah, there’s something we’re believing or an emotion we’re ignoring underneath it all that’s keeping us repeating the same tiresome patterns. And however discouraging that could seem, doing a little digging and shoring up can also bring freedom, stability and expansion.

We are constantly building something outwardly visible fueled by what we believe. 

If we desire to add rooms or build out a new wing, our foundation needs to be big enough and capable enough to support it. We can make a 600 sf cottage quite lovely, but it’s still only 600sf. Just trying harder to correct our actions or start a new habit without fixing beliefs is like building an addition to a house without a foundation. It will sink. Our foundation- our subconscious beliefs about who we are- have to be big enough to support the “expansion and remodeling” of our life and there’s no shame in excavating, shoring up or expanding our foundation. All new projects – in the home or heart- start with a stable foundation and we won’t make changes that stick until we get the identity piece worked out. 

What we believe about ourselves or the project will always determine our results.

Looking around our life and our home we may see unfinished or unstarted projects. There could be evidence of habits we know don’t support our truest, most wise spirit led selves and parts of us or our homes we hide because we’re ashamed for others to see. The first step is to see it all for what it is and give ourselves so much grace and acceptance for what is. 

We can’t hate ourselves into change, only love.

It’s been a process of learning to build trust by staying with myself- Not running off abandoning my own house at the first knock of any unpleasant emotion. I had been absent from my own inner home so long that the “emotional squatters” were running the show instead of my most loving, true, spirit led self. 

Breathing and gently acknowledging ourselves as we would a child we loved with, “You seem ____. You wanted ____. That must feel _____.” is one of many tools I’m using to stay present in my own inner home. 

When we can be loving, curious and compassionate with ourselves it changes everything.

I had a lovely inner home but I wasn’t living there and caring for it well. People pleasing and codependency had me figuratively running over into someone else’s “emotional” inner home for years attempting to fix things there- control the situation as it were- to get them to react differently all so I could feel better in my own home! 

News flash: that’s trespassing (and probably a good way to get shot…!) Not only that, but putting the responsibility on others or the circumstance to be different so I could feel better wasn’t really a smart plan nor was it working no matter how hard I tried. 

We make terrible landlords of others’ inner homes. 

Besides our own, the home of our Heavenly Father is the only other safe home to enter.

“Don’t get lost in despair; believe in God, and keep on believing in Me. My Father’s home is designed to accommodate all of you. If there were not room for everyone, I would have told you that. I am going to make arrangements for your arrival. I will be there to greet you personally and welcome you home, where we will be together. You know where I am going and how to get there. ~John 14:1-4

A renovated belief and willingness to accept what is and the version of me that shows up there. 

A renewed resolve to steward well what I’d been given, my home and heart. 

A reminder to slow down, breathe and check on those “emotional guests” that drop by my home for a visit daily. 

Learning to stay present in my own inner home meant I would now have to entertain the emotions instead of running away and abandoning them. Under every emotion is an unmet need- connection, safety, nourishment and the like.

How could I be a gracious host- present and tending to all my emotional guests? I’m still learning but there’s much less pressure to fix them or shoo them away when I can see them not as a threat but as a benevolent visitor. Like the circuit riders and prophets of old who wandered through with messages we can ask why might this emotion be visiting here and now? What message does it bring? How can we tend to it and honor it without letting it dominate our house? Be present with it without smothering it? 

Joy is the matriarch of emotions, and she won’t visit you until all of her children have been welcomed. ~ Joe Hudson

If we can see our emotions as guests that we welcome into our house and nourish with a hot meal and soft bed for the night, they will pass on their message from the road and then leave. Consequently, barring the door and drawing the shades, leaves them knocking feverishly outside in the cold desperate to come in. 

What we resist grows. 

Between the laundry room and the shed I’ve collected my share of tools for working on and maintaining our physical house. An air compressor and staple guns, hammers and a coveted Klein screwdriver (if you have an electrician for a dad, you know), chops saws, drills, paint brushes and a generator just to name a few. 

And I made a list of some “tools” I regularly employ to care for the home inside of me as well. 

Borrow as many as you’d like. And if you need help in figuring out how to use them, I’ve got your back, neighbor.

•Make time to breathe and ground yourself in silence, prayer and other spiritual practices before heading into the day. Some of my favorite practices I use in rotation: reading the bible, meditating on St. Patrick’s prayer, listening to John Eldredge’s voice in the Pause App, Imaginative Contemplation, Nurturing mother journaling.

•Chart your day- write in your planner- list gratitudes, thoughts to practice, to-do’s and appointments each morning.

•Drink a big glass of lemon water first thing and refill your water cup multiple times a day. Add in more whole, unprocessed foods and supplements like Magnesium and D3 (check with your doctor for any potential interactions). 

•Alternate lifting weights, yoga, pilates and walking. (Any movement or changing your body position aids in improving your emotional state) 

•Look for ways to connect with your people and share something good- vs gossiping or complaining. We’re always telling a story with a theme: struggle and suffering OR solution and safety. Tell a good story. 

•Remember and recount God’s faithfulness and victories- big and small in your life- how you’ve been loved on, cared for and rescued over and over reinforces the belief that in this life or the next, all will be well even if it doesn’t feel like it at the moment.

•Make an effort to beautify even the smallest areas of your environment- like in my case: hanging the picture ledges and curating the artwork in the living room (while saving up to replace the sagging, peeling porch rails outside. It doesn’t have to be all or nothing) We can foster an identity in our home that grows our capacity to live in abundance by setting up our surroundings to support who we aspire to be through organizing small corners of our spaces or hanging up motivating art or quotes.

For a list of 7 books that helped transform my inner home, click here. 

Thanks for sharing your home with me!